I was casually scrolling through my facebook and a video came across my newsfeed. I opened it and cried for 15 minutes afterwards. It was a woman who was visiting her daughter in a graveyard on Mother’s Day. Her daughter committed suicide 10 months before, but the woman was weeping uncontrollably. It shook me to another level because that would have been my mom.
After I moved back to California after my husbands deployment, postpartum depression really set in for me. My baby was a little difficult, but everything was only so hard because this giant black cloud hung over my head. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to love this beautiful baby and incredible husband, but I wanted to die.
This isn’t a “before I found Jesus testimony”. This is after. The one you rarely hear of. I was a believer and struggling so bad with depression that I wanted to take my own life. The enemy used my mind as a playground. God was gently trying to heal me so that the enemy couldn’t use my past against me. I didn’t want to deal with my past when I couldn’t see my future. I just felt overwhelmed most days. I had a war going on inside and still tried to smile and laugh. It was exhausting.
My family was 2,000 miles away, and I had this precious but cranky baby that cried all day, and all night. As soon as my husband would come home, she would smile and stop crying for him. I felt like a failure. I would cry every single night in the shower. I didn’t want to live anymore.
My husband did everything to keep me happy, but nothing would work. Shopping, coffee trips, driving alone, getting nails done. Nothing helped make this cloud go away. I wanted to be happy, I truly did, but I just couldn’t be. A day finally came where I was driving alone and I had every intention of driving onto incoming traffic. I thought even if I didn’t die, I would at least feel something.
Last minute I turned down a back road and a Christian song came on the radio. It ministered to me in such a new way. It said “ I will call upon your name, and keep my eyes above the waves.” I felt such a wave of peace flood me. I knew I was drowning on my own, but I called out to the lord. I screamed “save me”, and “take this from me”,and he did. I pulled over in a parking lot and just wept.
Something changed inside me. The enemy was oppressing me, but God knew me. He cared for me. He reached his hand down and he pulled my head up and I realized I was practically drowning in a puddle. The enemy can deceive us and make something so big that truly isn’t. He was attacking me with the spirit of fear, anxiety, depression, and suicide. He restored me, and slowly brought me through everything. He was showing me the root of the problems I was dealing with.
With a lot of surrendering and crying God has brought me to a place where I can look back and see where I was, and where I am today. I can tell you why people take their lives. I lived it. Ive been listening to a song called “S.O.S” by We the Kingdom and every single time I hear it, it brings me back to those moments.
Someone needs to hear this. Cry, scream, repent, throw it down. Let God heal you. He takes beauty from ashes, and he gives the oil of gladness, instead of mourning. Even if you don’t understand it, say it! Sing it! Praise with your hands raised in the storm and hold on tight to Jesus. Allow the Holy Spirit to show you why you are dealing with what you are. Call upon the lord and he will save you. He will deliver you. He will fight for you, just allow him to. The enemy attacks you with your past, but God gives you a future worth living for.
1 Peter 5:7