So often we hear of the one who was bullied that overcame and forgave the person who wounded them, but how often do we hear of the bully being the one to reach out? Not as often. The lord began showing me two people that I had said very hurtful and malicious things about. I was asking for him to break me for what breaks him, and he begins showing me what I did in m past. I was like, “no lord. I’m talking about now. I’m speaking of souls for the kingdom.” He played a memory in my mind like a movie. One specifically was a girl who I was very mean to about something she couldn’t help. I felt such conviction. I said, “God, you’ve forgiven me, and I’ve even forgiven myself.” The lord replied, “you’ve never apologized to the one you hurt.” Ouch! How true. I battled whether i should say something for a long time, and finally decided to reach out. Mainly because God wouldn’t let me get past it.
I was so nervous, but God was dealing with me about my confidence in his word. He was giving me things to say, but I was battling unbelief that he could use me in that way. So my fleshly desire was something like this, “I’m going to contact this girl, and she’s going to be fine. She’s going to forgive me, and its all going to be good.” Then as I began typing out this message, I felt so many emotions. “What if she doesn’t know who I am.” “What if she does in fact remember me, and cusses me out?” “What if she’s cool, and forgives me and we are friends?” I didn’t really know what to expect. I hit send, and awaited a reply.
The Holy Spirit was on me so heavily. I was praising in the kitchen. I was laughing because the freedom I felt. I carried this around for years. A short backstory; I was struggling my freshman year. My parents were going through a divorce, and truthfully fighting over where I was going to school. I didn’t have friends that I knew in any of my classes. Typical teenage problems can seem so big in that moment, but I was a wreck with my home life. My stomach was in knots, and my nerves were shot. I can remember drinking Pepto Bismol, and Diet Coke in the morning, then coming home and just eating dinner. Stress was bad for me during that time of my life. I didn’t know the lord, or walk with him at all. So as most bullies do, Instead of dealing with what I was going through, I took it out on someone else for something they couldn’t help. I said horrifically mean things to this girl about something she physically couldn’t change at the time. I laughed, and made others laugh. It took my attention off of what I was going through, and placed it on someone else. It made me feel better short term, but the long term effects wounded this girl for many years.
Within the first year after the lord touched me, this was on my heart to do. This girl is no longer who she was. She seems to be pretty well off. The thing I made fun of her Is corrected. She looks genuinely happy overall, and I am very glad for her. I was so embarrassed that I shook it off, even when the lord was laying it on my heart to do. Here he was building up my confidence, and breaking my pride simultaneously.
This woman responded, and honestly it was the worst case scenario. She remembered exactly who I was, and I wounded her deeply. I cried, not because she didn’t accept my apology. I did my part in Gods eyes. I wept because I brought all that bitterness on her. I was a stupid girl, but thankfully I’m not who I was. She made a comment that pierced my heart. She said, “I hope no one makes fun of your children, like you did me.” Wow, yeah me either. I apologized, but I could tell those conversations weren’t going to go anywhere after my second attempt to apologize, so I didn’t respond physically, but through prayer . There’s nothing that I can do to change what I did. I can apologize every single day, but that will not do anything. Only God can heal a heart.
Instead I pray for her every day. I pray the lord touches her, and shows her love that no one else ever could. I pray she has peace. I pray those words I spoke don’t rise up and make her insecure. I pray she allows that bitterness to be laid down, and know who God is. If he can change my heart, he can change anyones.
I don’t like to say it, or talk about it but I was very mean. I was so prideful and narcissistic. If people didn’t like me I would make people not like them. My sister recently found a middle school yearbook, and inside of every page was a friend and I writing nasty comments about everyone. I look back and I don’t feel ashamed anymore. It’s a testimony of the lord honestly. I wanted to be nice, but hatred kept spewing out. Regardless of how I tried, I couldn’t be a decent human being.
God made me a new creation. He has changed me by the renewing of my mind. Quoting scriptures is good, but can you live them? My life is a testimony to the lord. I was a mean bully, who turned into a narcissistic liar. I became a party girl who was addicted to alcohol. I did not like who I saw in the mirror, but I couldn’t change it. In desperation I called out to the lord to save me, and he started changing everything in my life. He changed my living arrangements. He delivered me from alcohol addictions. He removed the lying spirit from my mouth. He took away my suicidal thoughts, and he renewed me daily. He spoke to me and gave me his desires. He changed my heart, and he saw me for who I was going to be, not who I was then. I am a walking testimony of what the lord can do. He’s delivered me, healed me, and set me free.
Did I get the pat on the back I desired, no. Absolutely not. I got what I deserved, but that’s okay. God has shown me that none of this growth was me, but all him. Only God can take the freshman bully and make her a woman of God. Only God can take someone who used to breakdown women, and have her build them up. Only God can correct, and make whole. I may not be where I want to be, but thankfully I’m better than yesterday. Only god can do something like that. My husband couldn’t change me, my children couldn’t change me, new schools couldn’t change me.
Only Jesus could fix a heart like mine. Only Jesus can cut away pride and build confidence simultaneously. My wisdom and knowledge comes from God, my strength comes from him. I don’t understand exactly why I had to message this girl, but God has really ministered to me through it. His ways are not our ways, and his thoughts are not our thoughts. ( Isaiah 55:8-9) When God is leading you to do something uncomfortable, obey him. There’s freedom in it. You also cant put a dirt on a wound and expect it to heal properly. I am very blunt with my mistakes, and I have taught my daughters many lessons, but one specifically about bullying. We dont knock others down to appear higher. The only time you should be above someone is to lift them up.
Only God can take a woman-breaker, and make her a woman-maker .I went from being a servant of sin, to a daughter of the king. I went from rags to riches. By that I don’t mean from poor to rich. I mean I went from wearing clothing the size of rags, that were distressed and tattered; to being modestly adorned in the whole armor of God. Only God can change the heart. Only God can heal internal wounds. No amount of chakras, or astrology, or any witchcraft can bring that peace. No false idol or devil can bring peace in your life and wholeness. Even in the midst of a trial, which are common; the lord is with me. There is absolutely nothing more freeing than knowing you serve the healer. I serve the miracle worker. He knows me by name. He died so that I can live! He loved me and called out to me when I was unloveable and mean. He doesn’t desire a small piece of me on Sunday, but all of me. Only God can make a women who used to break women into someone who now ministers to broken women. Only God can do something like that. What is he leading you to obey? Freedom comes when we allow him to heal us, and sometimes it comes through the strangest requests. Trust God, be healed so that you can heal others in Jesus name..
(2 Timothy 3:16-17)