There is a season, and a time for everything. Many know where I attend church. Things were going good, and the lord laid a place on our hearts, and said go. We fought it because we cared about what others would perceive, but ultimately followed the lord, despite our feelings. Sometimes we can’t see even the next sentence on the paper, but we know the lord is giving us directions to go to the next page. We obeyed, and recently the lord likened this season to being at a hospital. Ive been so wounded through the years. Family, friends, church people, I’ve experienced some real hurt. Through the obedience of writing, the lord is exposing things that are so far down I didn’t even realize they held such an impact on me anymore. I thought you get saved, and just walk this glorified life, but its not so simple.
God shines this bright light and exposes this tiny little root that looks like absolutely nothing. Then you say, “yeah okay lord, ill give this to you.” Then he begins pulling and you feel like it’s four miles deep. You’re screaming (internally) and realizing its linked to fifty things, then bam freedom comes! That moment of breakthrough is so powerful. There was the problem, and the lord healed it in you. The enemy can no longer hold you in bondage by it.
Early in our marriage God was leading Drew to talk to me about something that happened. I was oblivious, but he dealt with guilt and torment about it. When he finally released what the lord was leading him to share, it broke me. We had to trust God. We had to get through it. The enemy was keeping him bound further in regret, that he battled suicide many times. Sometimes sharing those ugly secret things, or having them exposed hurts our pride. But God is healing us through it. Recently God lead me to apologize to someone. I held onto that guilt and shame for 14 years, and it was destroying my confidence because I was so ashamed of who I was. Subconsciously I carried that someone was going to treat me like I did her. Recently I felt freedom in the obedience, not the persons reaction to my apology.
There are seasons for different things in your life. Ecclesiastes 3:1-9 speaks of the different seasons in life. There is a specific purpose for every season we go through. Sometimes they’re beautiful, and other times they are really crummy if we are being honest. There’s a time to weep, and laugh. A time to keep, and to cast away. A time to kill, and a time to heal. A time to be born, and a time to die. There’s a specific season each and everyone of us is going through right this very moment. Last year was absolute despair, but this year has been healing. The lord was showing me this past season was so beneficial for my healings he is doing now.
I was reflecting back at the different places the lord has guided us. My first church I had to go as obligation for where I was living. I heard the complete unadulterated word, and yet I remained hardened week after week, with an unrepentant heart for over eight months, then finally accepted Jesus. I moved to California and couldn’t find a decent church. My husband then was a horrible alcoholic, and I knew I needed Jesus, but couldn’t seem to find him. I remember crying so much and praying for him to just lead me somewhere. There was false doctrine galore. I was a baby Christian, and discerned so many things were wrong in most of the places I looked.
I went to a church called The Rock. It was a very tame gospel, mainly very feel good messages, but that’s where I was spiritually. So I would go home and read the whole chapter, and the rest of the book about what was spoken over. I was so hungry for God, but didn’t even know who he was. I knew he saved me, but I felt so heavy still. I was praying and postpartum depression was finally going away. I began working, and I sought the lord for a new church door to open. I waited on the lord for two months. This really awesome upbeat couple came in the place I worked. When they said their child’s name, I asked if it was biblical. To which it was. Then they invited me to church. During this time was a season of peace that I longed for. I needed this so desperately. I actually felt like I belonged. My husband rededicated his life because of an evangelists message his mom wouldn’t quit sending. In an attempt to shut her up, the lord touched him mightily, and he accepted the call to ministry. We didn’t know how or where, but we knew one day it would happen.
After seeking God, one day during service the lord told me to leave the church, and he opened a door. I was so distressed, and hurt. I loved where I was. God had lead me to a wonderful church, and I had really great friends who I loved. I argued with him, but God persisted. Drew confirmed it on the way home. So within an hour afterwards we received a call about a minister who’s first service was the following Sunday. That itself was so wild to me. I had heard about stuff like this, but never experienced it. So we went, and it wasn’t what I wanted. I felt so upset. I practically lost all of my other friends because I no longer attended the other church.
Again, I was alone. I felt like God wanted me unhappy. My hormones probably played a huge role. I was pregnant with my second child. During that season, my Pastor’s wife Rebecca would come over every Thursday, and just let me vent. She didn’t give a lot of unsolicitated advice. She just loved me. She listened, and her genuineness was so pure. I would vent for two hours, and she would just listen and her words were the love of Jesus I read about. She was an actual example, and Jesus radiated through her. She was such a safe place that I desperately needed. Within two months after my daughter was born, I received the baptism of the Holy Spirit, and my entire foundation of God was completely solid, and built thanks to the Pastor. My husband had accepted the call to the ministry, and in place of screamo music in the background was Eddie James. It was such a beautiful time.
We came back to Georgia prepared to conquer the world for Jesus, but we were essentially told to sit. When there’s a fire in your heart, you expect to be let loose, but that flame if not properly contained can set a whole Forrest on fire, instead of the hearts of men. We loved the lord, and had the Holy Spirit, but lacked any wisdom and knowledge of the word. We sat for years soaking in the scriptures. Then once we were ministering to people, he moved us, again.
He has used this season to heal me. He’s fine tuning our callings, and letting all religion fall off. We are seeing the operation of the Holy Spirit at hand, and ministering frequently outside the church doors. God has given me a name, a blog, a voice. He’s restored my confidence. He has healed my heart of all the heartbreak I refused to lay down until now. He is showing me how to truly operate in my calling. It’s a beautiful season. Right now I have a peaceful place to be, but I know this isn’t the last place we will go. Its just a season of relief, and a stepping stone to the next place, to be prepared for the lord. . I absolutely in no way, shape, or form suggest “church hopping” but I encourage the Holy Spirit to guide you to the exact location the lord needs you. It may not be rainbows and daisies, but go wherever he says. Don’t stay somewhere because family has always gone there, but don’t race around to every place that claims signs and wonders also. Reading your bible, and actively praying are so necessary. Don’t just pray on Sunday’s or in vein repetition, but allow the Holy Spirit to dwell in you, and talk to God daily. Its absolutely necessary.
Sometimes we don’t understand the seasons we are in, but for everything there is a season, and there is a time. Don’t compare. Comparison is the absolute thief of joy. You cant compare a season of suffering to someone’s season of glory. You cannot compare your tearing down to a place of building. You cant compare your season of despair to someone else’s mountaintop experience. You don’t know what they did to get there. Ive spent years weeping before the lord. I spent years asking why he always wanted me alone, or poor. What he did was take my season of despair and suffering to bring glory to his name while the world is currently enduring it. He gave me a voice, a word, and a fresh fire for a time as this. As Catherine Mullins beautifully sang,”There is a season, there is a time. There is a riddle, and there is a rhyme. There’s a chapter you’re about to reach. When he speaks this into existence, nothing can stop it, no fire, no resistance. Now is your season, and now is your time.” We must experience the shelf, so we can understand how high the leap of faith truly is. If you are plastic, the fire will burn you up. It takes that moldable clay. It takes prayer, fasting, praising, screaming, being real, dying to self. It takes faith, it takes trust, and it takes a strong willed person to seriously not give up. Enjoy your season. Embrace the suffering, and allow the king of king and lord of lords show you who he truly is. Let him break off that old hunk of flesh, and experience the glory he promised. It is all so real.