Dancing On The Waves

I was reading about Michal this morning, and I had such sympathy. We usually read of her and we immediately chastise her for mocking a mighty man of God. We have many chapters designated to David. He’s a hero in our eyes. We watch him grow up, and mature into this handsome king who has such a love for the lord. Then we see Michal, and we immediately take her to the gallows and want her hung. As I was reading my bible this morning, God took me to a place of compassion on her.

My testimony has been spoken. For those who don’t know, I was not raised religious at all. I attended church a few times growing up. My parents said “Jesus is lord”, but never went to church or really did anything for him. They were good people, just not your typical southern believer. I fell head over heels for someone that mirrors David. He’s handsome, smart, witty, strong. He’s a warrior by default. Not only does he look like one, but he has the true heart of one. He leads from the front and will not back down from the Lord. He hasn’t always sought the lord with his whole heart, but God touched him years ago, and he hasn’t been the same. 

I knew immediately that my husband was the one for me. We stayed up one entire night together during our party years at my old apartment. We laughed and talked all night long. We watched the sun rise, and I knew there was something about this man that I could never again live without. But I was a party girl. I had zero intentions of giving my life to God at that time. I was pretty, popular, and bold. I did what I wanted, and I didn’t care who thought what about me. I was “living my best life”, as my sister says. This is my “BUT GOD” moment. You’ll read many of those. My party ways lead me to a path of trying drugs, and I had a frightening encounter. I cried out to the lord to remove me from that place, and supernaturally, he did. Within a month I had quit partying, going to clubs, and a friend took over my lease. I moved into a home with devout Christian believers, Pentecostal believers at that. 

I would go to sleep watching MTV, to waking up to Jimmy Swaggart. Even in our naivety, God just operates in such miracles. The requirement for me living there was to attend church once a week minimum. I attended a Holy Spirit filled church for eight months with a stiff neck and gritted teeth. I knew I wanted something different, but I didn’t know if I wanted that. People would shout, and praise and I would want to hide in a turtle shell. I was embarrassed for them. God finally softened my heart, and I gave my life to him. I submitted, and I told him I wanted him in my heart. It only took eight months.

We quickly moved to California because my husband enlisted in the military. Within months, my daughter arrived ( pretty tragically) but nevertheless, healthy and whole. My husband I married, is not the man I have today. He was an attractive fun party boy, who turned into a married raging alcoholic. I was depressed, and it just heightened my bitterness and unforgiveness. I could talk about that for hours, but I prayed and sought the lord that God would touch him. He was unsaved, preaching the gospel in conversation. I would pray and pray that God would touch him. I knew he was a preacher, but I truly had no idea what God even meant by that. 

Fast forward we are going to church, he gets wrecked by the Holy Spirit by an old Brownsville revival video. He gives his life to God in our living room, and is undone. I don’t understand, but I’m glad. God sets an absolute fire in my husband. A zeal that cannot be quenched. I have an actual encounter with God, and get filled with the baptism of the Holy Spirit, and my husband weeps before the lord. We finish out the military contract, and we come home. 

God leads us to the church I attended before we left. I am ready and on fire for God too. We are essentially told to “sit down and shut up”. Which we needed, honestly. We had the fire, but we had zero word. So we were coming to church and soaking it all up. I had both of my daughters, and I knew I had twin boys on the way. I was interceding in the spirit, and downloads of revelation were coming so heavily I didn’t want to sleep, or eat. My spirit was on fire. 

Then some time went by. I became complacent. I became irritated. My husbands hands were in absolutely everything in the church. From playing guitar in worship, to preaching, ushering, sound booth, repairs needed, youth, and just being there all the time. I began feeling bitter towards ministry. I was mad at God for bringing me there. I had baby boys in the nursery, and felt like I was spiritually dying. I was waiting in line to just die, so I could go to heaven and be done with it all. I would talk to God and read my bible, but I wanted to hear preaching so bad. But I felt shoved in a corner, isolated, and alone. I lived in a house full of ministers, but felt like I was suffocating. I felt like I could scream, and no one would look. I was in a vulnerable place.  I had trusted a woman into my life who honestly lead me astray, and I was hurt from it. I was bitter and didn’t want anything to do with God. I tried to serve him, but most days I wanted to just give up. I continually pressed in, despite my feelings, but I didn’t want this life. I was obedient to God, but I felt unloved and set aside.

During that time my husband was absolutely on fire for God, and pressing in. He was tired, and overwhelmed, but his heart was for the lord. One day during worship he began to dance in the spirit. I looked around at everyone, and was flustered. My husband is not a shy man. He would shout and praise loudly, and I was okay with that. I was okay with him preaching and shouting from the top of the pews he stood on. I was fine with him weeping before the lord, but this one rubbed me wrong. I was so embarrassed. His feet moved, and he praised loudly. I felt like he was making a spectacle. I wanted to crawl under the pew, then I remembered the story of Michal. Even in a semi backslidden condition, I recognized it as an attack of the enemy, and immediately repented. I praised that my husband was serving and loving the lord, even if I felt forsaken and emotionally abandoned. 

The enemy has a way of making your perception look like reality. I perceived I was abandoned and forsaken, but in reality I was hidden for that season. I felt cold, dark, and alone. What I didn’t realize is I had been planted. It took the water from my tears to nurture, and grow what God was doing to me in that season. I was hidden. My purpose was to interceded. Also God was busting down my pride, and making me lean on him. With what we are called to, it’s a very lonely road. I didn’t realize it then. But my pretty popular girl would never be who I was in the kingdom, because its never who I truly was. I went from masking this bubbly persona, to weeping for the nations. Sometimes God has to break us for our calling, and that’s what he did with us during that season. 

As I look back in the Bible and I see how many people rip Michal to shreds, I have compassion. Ive been Michal, and I thank the lord that I was birthed during a time of grace and mercy. Sometimes we don’t understand why God places us where he does, but there’s always a specific reason. I will say this though. My husband has always been a good man to me, but during that time he had forsaken our marriage for the alter of ministry, and that is absolutely not God’s design. We later learned that in life, and I am so beyond thankful he did. Just because your asked doesn’t mean you should pick up everything, and leave no time for your family. That creates bitterness, resentment, and strife in the home. The Bible very clearly states your house needs to be in order. That was never Gods design for the family to be apart, but to work together.

 My husband is the head, but I am the neck. He can only get so far without me. We are a team, and God wants unity within the family. He wants unity and strong relationships between spouses. Many say “happy wife, happy life. But I say to you “happy house, happy spouse”. The man wasn’t given the entire burden to deal with alone, and the women weren’t meant to be isolated, alone, and bitter. When you and your spouse come together and become kingdom minded, the devil shakes in fear. He always seeks to destroy anything for the kingdom. As my husband was away ministering this weekend, I was alone with the kids, but the presence of God flooded our home. He flooded our conversation. We wept before the lord and rejoiced at what he was doing in that church. Sometimes your perception is the problem, but sometimes the burden you are carrying was never yours to carry alone. I tell you today what Jesus said. “My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Quit trying to carry something that belongs in the hands of the lord. Quit trying to carry your ministry alone. Quit trying to carry your children alone. Quit trying to carry your guilt and shame alone. Quit trying to carry your unsaved loved ones alone. Lay it down. Cast your cares on him, for he cares for you. 

Jesus already paid the debt. You aren’t imprisoned to him. You are not enslaved. You are a free moral agent. You aren’t alone. I cast that lie off you in Jesus name. Jesus died on the cross for ALL sins. He paid the price for you already. He doesn’t need to get back up on the cross. You need to realize you hold the keys to the kingdom, because you are an heir to the throne. You aren’t a step cousin twice removed, but a daughter of the one true king. You aren’t the daughter of a king that left the lord (Saul), you my friend are loved by the God who sent the Word, to become flesh, to die for every sin and mistake you’ve ever had in your life. You are a daughter of the King of Kings, and Lord of Lords, that loved you so deeply that he gave his best for you. You are so precious in his sight. The lord is saying,” my daughters rejoice, the price has already been paid. Quit walking in doubt and resentment, and lay it down at the Alter. Lay it down at the cross, and I will pick it up say the lord. I am raising up an army of women who know their worth, not the lies the enemy has placed on them. Arise Daughters of God and pick up your inheritance, straighten your crown, and live in holiness.” Live in righteousness. Live in encouragement. Live in the moment, and see the silver lining in all things. It can be a testimony, or a stumbling block, choose wisely. 

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